Was Santa good to you? January 3, 2009Posted by oktyabr in funny, personal.
Hey, first I hung all our pretty lights from the eves of our house to get in the Holiday spirit. It started out good and they were going up like I was a professional!
Then it started snowing. That wasn’t so bad, kind of festive and all, you know what I mean?
Then it started snowing really HARD! I only had a couple of 30′ strands left to put up so I kept on going. A cat on the roof supervising my progress managed to knock a big bunch of fresh, %$#@ icy cold snow right down on top of my head and most of it went down the front and back of my shirt, of course.
Just as I was on the last strand the plastic foot stool I was standing on finally got slippery… enough… and I slipped and fell nearly breaking my #$@%$^!!! tail bone!
I limped off to bed almost tripping over the $#% cat again, which in turn caused a muscle spasm just to help emphasize the pain in my #$@%$^!!! tail bone before I somehow managed to find some form of merciful unconsciousness.
Just as I had gotten to sleep my child woke up scared because he thought he had heard something on the roof. I was sure it was just that $#% cat but I put on my robe and slippers and went to investigate anyway.
What I found was some @#%$ raccoons that had managed to navigate the high security fence around our back yard by climbing down on to the %@@$ rooftop via a drooping tree branch laden with %$#@ snow and they were in process of trying to drag most of the *&#@$%$! kitchen garbage up a chainlink section and back on the $@#%ing roof, I suppose to retreat to some cozy @#%$ raccoon hideaway with their holiday feast. I wanted to curse the $#% cat but then I realized that taking on something as large as wild and hungry @#%$ raccoons was probably suicide even for the $#% cat and even he wasn’t stupid enough to $@%#% with that so I went back inside for my %@#$! of #@%$@ shotgun and a @%#$ing flashlight instead.
Of course the @%#$ing flashlight was dead so it took a few minutes to dig around in the junk drawers in search of some $@%@# batteries for the @%#$ing flashlight and finally found them, much to the the chagrin of my $#% cat who just sat there watching me, impatiently.
With my trusty %@#$! of #@%$@ shotgun in one hand, the @%#$ing flashlight, now with fresh $@%@# batteries in the other and the $#% cat as my wingman we quietly moved through the house and out the back sliding door into the backyard, now festooned with the *&#@$%$! kitchen garbage, in search of those @#%$ raccoons…
In the corner where we keep our garbage and recycle cans I saw none of those @#%$ raccoons, only *&#@$%$! kitchen garbage, so I slowly turned to follow the path up the fence, across a wall, onto the %$#@ snow covered eve where my @%#$ing flashlight fell on a pair of shiny eyes looking back at me. A bit startled I yelled “%#$@#%^!!!!” and automatically took a step back as I began to raise the %@#$! of #@%$@ shotgun into position to fire.
I don’t know if was the *&#@$%$! kitchen garbage, %$#@ snow, or the $#% cat that managed to find his way between my &$#@%! feet at just the wrong moment but I slipped on the %$#@ snow and fell backwards on to my #@%$ and only some *&#@$%$! kitchen garbage that the @#%$ raccoons had strewn everywhere prevented me from taking the full fall on my already #$@%$^!!! tail bone but I didn’t have a chance to think about the $@#!@ in my #$@# or even the $#% cat (who I was now convinced was obviously trying to $@#%@ kill me) because my @%#$ing flashlight lit up something else on the %$#@ snow covered roof, large things, much bigger than some @#%$ raccoons and without thinking about it I fired my %@#$! of #@%$@ shotgun at the $@##@% %&@#^!%$ of $@##@$@!!!
With a racket the rest of the things on the roof disappeared into the sky. After collecting my self a bit I spent a couple of hours cleaning up everything and went back to bed. Miraculously the shotgun didn’t wake up a single soul!
Long story made short, Timmy didn’t get his Power Monkey construction set he wanted this year or anything else cool….
… But we’ll have venison in the deep freeze for months